seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Randomize
