this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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