saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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