if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Randomize