I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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