She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
