Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Randomize