What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
Randomize
