I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
