Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
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