i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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