No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
