There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Spring semester is just not the same w/o you
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
Randomize
