Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
