Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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