I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize