Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Randomize
