last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
