we have officially lost it.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Randomize
