my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
