My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
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