Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
My liver just broke up with me...
Maybe she gives good head
A girl who still calls a dick a "wiener"cannot possibly give good head
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
I use my feet as sexual weapons
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
