And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Randomize
