Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
