somebody snuck up and got me drunk
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Randomize
