At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize