Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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