Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
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