apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Randomize
