Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
