Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
