really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Randomize
