At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
