Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
No I am not eating basil off your cock
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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