hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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