So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
the raccoons are back...
Randomize