I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
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