Michael Bay diarrhea
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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