I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Please, let me fuck your mom
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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