I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Randomize
