in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
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