It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
Randomize
