Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Randomize
