I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
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