i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I seem to have left my pride at pride
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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