just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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