I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
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