Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Randomize
