Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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