I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
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