nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
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