Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
We smell like vodka and hangover
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
