We won't sleep together?
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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