Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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