the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
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