My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I am naked and annoyed.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
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